Fact Sheet: Difficult Conversations and Assertive Communication

By Rodney Smith

Author | Speaker | Facilitator | Executive and Team Coach | Experimenter | Leadership Agility | Adaptive Leadership |

Understanding Difficult Conversations

Definition: Conversations where there are differences in opinion or wants, high emotions, and significant stakes.

Common Contexts: Workplace disputes, asking for loan repayments, requesting a roommate to move out, dealing with rebellious teens, or addressing interference from in-laws.

Why People Avoid Them:

• Fear of damaging relationships

• Concern about personal repercussions
  

Consequences of Avoidance:

• Physical health issues: stress, depression, diabetes, heart disease, obesity

• Workplace problems: damaged reputation, high staff turnover, low morale, decreased productivity

• Relationship breakdown and escalation of problems

Assertive Communication Model

Communication Style	Defining Features	Attitude	Outcome	Consequences
Passive	Compliant, submissive, praises others, disrespectful to self (Flight response)	"Yes, that's fine"	You win, I lose	Powerlessness, unmet personal needs
Assertive (Recommended)	Firm but polite, clear messages, respectful of self and others (Mutual problem solving)	"That's a good idea and how about we do this too?"	We both win	Equal power base, mutual needs met, improved relationships
Aggressive	Superior, harsh, always right, interrupts, uses put-downs, disrespectful of others (Fight response)	"This is what we're doing, if you don't like it, tough"	I win, you lose	Power over others, others become upset and resentful

Practicing Assertive Communication

Key Components:

1. State what you are reacting to: "When you..."

2. Express how you are feeling: "I feel..."

3. Share what you are thinking: "I think..."

"I" Statement Structure:

• The action: "When you..."

• Your response: "I feel..."

• Preferred outcome: "I would like..."

Discussion Questions for Teams:

Understanding Difference:

• How does difference manifest in the workplace?

• Where do we notice difference?

• In what situations might difference be productive?

• What is your relationship with difference?

• What makes difficult conversations difficult?

Team Progress Review:

• What conversation does this team need to have with itself?

• How is the team progressing?

• What can I/we do to help make progress?

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